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Friday 5th October 2001, 8.37pm
It's been a while. Things were going so well but suddenly it seemed the world started spinning out of control and the music
stopped. I suppose I should have guessed as my life was beginning to sort itself out that was the signal that there was
trouble on the horizon. Fine to say that retrospectively isn't it always?
The Summer had been very good despite a few small hiccups, I met someone who as the sun slowly shifts into Autumn means
more to me as each day goes past. I haven't felt about anyone that strongly for a very, very long time. It's nice to prove
the cynical part of me wrong for a change. Of course being me it wasn't that simple but I'm fast coming to the conclusion
that nothing in life is, and that anything worth doign comes with some pain.
September 11th 2001 will go down in history as the day in which terrorism entered a new chapter when thousands of people
were killed when hijackers smashed planes into the twin towers of the World Trade Centre, the Pentagon and in woods near to Camp David
in the States. I found the news out at work and like many others watched as the tragedy unfolded across the Internet -
the death of thousands brought to us live by cable. Rumours of planes heading toward London thankfully proved unfounded
but I still managed to know people who knew people that died on that day.
People don't feel safe, we're on the brink of a new war and people are scared because now you don't have to be in a
war zone to be the subject of an attach you just need to be shopping, sleeping or working. A new millenium and the human
race proves that we can always find new lows to stoop to and yet the spirit and courage to rise above what is thrown against
us.
September 19th 2001 is probably a date that the world won't recall with such universal memory but the effects of that day
I shall carry with me for the rest of my life. In previous diary entries I've questioned some of those people who use their
web sites for some kind of bizarre self promotion yet lately a new set of individuals emerge who's words mark more a sadness
of the state we've become. On Thursday at 11.30pm I got an email saying that one of my friends from down under had passed
away the previous day (the 19th). I suddenly felt very useless - I was on the other side of the planet and had no way to
verify what i had been told although something deep down told me it was true.
I'd never met Adam but we'd been chatting for several years over the 'net and I had promised to visit Australia next year
to see him, having been slighly miffed (in a friendly sort of way) that one of my friends had gone down for Mardi Gras and
met him. He was a regular contributor to both FridayHumour and AdultHumour and reguarly chatted and
exchanged messages online about what we'd been up to and his latest exploits chasing after British boys and how he was getting
on with tracing his family history.
I was still feeling strange and vulnerable after the scenes of September 11th and now I felt worried and alone not knowing if one of
my friends was still alive. I spent the night crying and clutching Pounce, a teddy Adam had bought and sent to me for my birthday
last year. The box contained a message saying that Adam couldn't be fitted in the box but he had given Pounce some cuddles to
give me whenever I needed them. I read and re-read pages on his web site which he spent time developing and I can't help
feeling that he was looking forward to being released from the madness that seems to be surrounding us more and more.
The following day I started to tell people I know that also knew Adam - not an easy thing when
you have to preface everything with "I think" and "well you never can be sure". I felt sick. I felt like getting on a plane
and going to a country I had never been to and go to a funeral of someone I had never met but yet I felt I knew so well. I
was walking around work in a daze - I should have really just stayed at home but I doubt I would have been much better
there. I just kept thinking of things I hadn't told him or came across that Christmas present I had already bought him.
Everyone kept asking me if I was alright yet the only thing I wanted to hear no-one said for a couple of days. I wanted
to know that Adam was okay and hadn't been in too much pain before he died. I'm sure he's happier and in a better place
than this - I only wish I had a chance to say goodbye.
It's not fair.
Lyrics of the moment:
And when the DJ came to town
And you turned my world around
It's been ten years now this Sunday
Tuesday 16th October 2001, 3.30pm
Things continue to be confused in my brain and the world still seems a pretty depressing place for most of the time.
But there's brief sunshine which wipes out the bad stuff for a while so I guess I'm happy. I don't want to do
anything complex, intricate or important - I just want to smile and enjoy myself for a change. The little things are the
things that are counting at the moment. Which is kinda where today's quote comes from ... still chokes me up nearly every
time I hear some of those songs - how soppy am I these days?
I'm almost giving up on doing nice stuff at the moment as whenever I try it gets
thrown back in my face. Makes me wonder why someone would do that? Depending on how paranoid
I'm feeling I wonder if they actually would prefer me to bruise me emotionally, actually don't want to see it as a
positive thing or just feel insecure if they don't have the 'upper hand'.
Who ever said life was a holiday?
Lyrics of the moment:
"I've been reminiscing
'bout the days when we were wishing
We could fly and touch the sky
Laughing meeting under cover
Running hiding from your mother
If we tried we could do anything
People came from all around
Baby I still recall those things
And ooh, I'm missing you now
I'm missing you now
When you burned this disco down
Why'd you leave to find yourself
And still there's memories of this town
When you burned this disco down
Since you left or was it Monday."
Kylie Minogue "Disco Down" (Light Years, 2000)
"Listen mate give me time, this is all new to me.
But I think we could learn together you and me.
It's good to kiss and do all that stuff.
But I'll tell you this a hug would be enough.
Never been closer to Heaven.
Never been closer to Heaven."
Straight Dave and Mile End Lee "Closer To Heaven" (Closer To Heaven Original Cast Recording, 2001)
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